Towards the end of last year, like many people, I got very reflective. But it wasn't the quiet time it once was. The end of the year used to be a very exciting time for me. But over the past few years, my excitement has experienced a gradual decline. I've had recurring goals on my list now for the past few years and with each year, the list has gotten shorter as those recurring goals have become more pressing.
Last year, I sat down to do my usual end of year ritual and a now very familiar feeling came over me--anxiety. Its hard to look at your life and realize time has gone by and you're not even close to where you thought you would be. All the efforts you've made, the time you've spent, the new methods you've tried etc. have proven futile. And after chasing the wind for a long time, exhaustion sets in...
I am normally quite private and though I share inspiration-type posts, I hardly ever share the experience that brought about the inspiration. But I thought I'd do something a bit different as I embrace being fearless with turning a year older in a week, and open up a little to hopefully connect with someone out there who might be able to relate.
Last year was especially tough...and I carried so much guilt and blame for what I was going through and the effect it had on my family and friends; asking myself where I went wrong, how I could fix it, if I had done enough or was doing enough to find a way etc. I struggled with finding a balance between surviving and staying sane, and fighting in spite of continued disappointment. By the end of the year, I had no strength, barely any hope left and no zeal to figure it out.
I wondered how I could possibly start another year when I was still so drained from the previous year. Then God sent me an angel. I was able to spend Christmas with my whole family after 6 years. I'm extremely lucky to be surrounded by very supportive family but I've found that that can be the hardest group of people to open up to about times like these because you don't want them to carry your burden also when you know they're already carrying their own. And though I really didn't open up, just being surrounded by so much love gave me just enough to have hope.
Sometimes we wait for a miracle when all you need is just enough strength/love/hope/faith... to get you going!
I wanted to tell that person who can relate to continued struggle, as I tell myself, "it's not over, don't give up, there's still hope as long as you're alive, I know its tough right now, but it can get better, it will get better, just hang in there. But most importantly, don't let the situation consume you because it will change who you are and rob you of your purpose. Find happiness, follow your dreams, live your life."
As I write this, I don't have everything figured out. Just this morning I had to drag myself out of bed. But I realize when something takes over your life so much that you don't see time go by, you know its time to fight for your life back. So I'm re-committing to fighting, and also, to being happy, to following my dreams and putting myself out there, to forgiving myself, leaving the past right here and moving forward. It won't always be easy, but that's why its a fight.